Dealing with a Narcissistic Ex!
I have refrained from writing a blog on this for many years, for many reasons. One being I am not professionally qualified in the mental health field to diagnose or alert others to this personality disorder. But I have gained a wealth of knowledge over the years and I often share it with my clients dealing with what we shall call a “difficult personality”. So, I have decided it’s time. Time to share what I know and back it up with links that I often send to my clients to help them understand not only what a narcissist is, but how to handle yourself around them and how to conduct all communication with them. If you have children with an ex-partner, with this difficult personality type, it is challenging to co-parent with them, you can only parallel parent. More on that to come.
What is a Narcissist or NPD – narcissistic personality disorder - for those still trying to figure out if they are dealing with one or not, or are one themselves and haven’t recognised it.
It’s many things;
It is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance and generally lacks empathy towards others. The cause is unknown but generally is a combination of upbringing, genetics, and environmental factors. More often than not, if you know their parents you can often see similar traits, as it is a learned behaviour pattern.
Brené Brown says it’s the most shame based of all the personality disorders, it’s not about self-love at all, its about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. It is a shame-based fear of being ordinary!
This resonated for me, it really helps to understand why this personality is like they are, average means they are not special and if the are just normal they just simply dislike themselves. They don’t want to be average, they want the biggest and best of everything to make them feel good. They often rely on partners and friends to build them up to feel less ordinary, so to leave a relationship with this type of personality you have deflated their grandiose ego and they will do everything they can do make your life as difficult as possible. If a narcissistic person leaves you it’s usually for another source of ego-enhancement from a new partner who builds them up more than you. They sense when you are beginning to work them out and they move on, and gaslight you to make not only you but all your friends and family believe it was your fault. Any of this sounding familiar yet?
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is when someone causes you to question your own reality and memories. This link provides a comprehensive explanation.
https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470
Seven most common characteristics of a Narcissist are:
They seem perfect at first, attentive, life and soul of the party, love bombing you, superficial charm.
They talk about themselves constantly, how great they are, what a great parent or partner they are etc.
They are extremely sensitive to criticism and will turn on you by saying things to hurt your character if you criticise them, rather than take it on board and try to change. They go through jobs because of this, its everyone else’s fault not theirs.
They give back handed compliments – (often a covert narcissist- passive aggressive, teasing /mocking, silent treatment) https://www.verywellhealth.com/covert-narcissistic-personality-disorder-5212505
They manipulate your feelings and lack having boundary’s and there are generally always strings attached.
They are generally very arrogant and have an inflated ego. They like to monopolise the conversation.
They cannot stand rejection – alas leaving a narcissist is extremely difficult and you need a lot of professional and emotional support to acquire the tools to survive and thrive the ordeal. They have a fear of abandonment and if you abandon them, they will make you pay the price emotionally and sometimes financially too. If they can they will.
Alas as a divorce coach I have over the years had a lot of clients dealing with this type of ex-partner. Sometimes clients had no idea of what their partner was capable of until they left and found themselves on the receiving end of their nasty behaviour. To others they turn it around and tell everyone else it’s YOU not THEM. Gaslighting.
The best way to deal with this behaviour is not to retaliate as you will never win. They will always fight back aggressively until they wear you down and feel they’ve won. In the mean time you become exhausted, sick and unable to function at full capacity. It is just not worth it.
So learning how to Grey Rock is the only way to deal with them. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/grey-rock-method/
But please keep in mind you can’t be a grey rock in all aspects of your life or in ALL dealings with a difficult personality. It’s there to protect you when things get out of control. If you are co-parenting / parallel parenting, with this personality you do need to communicate on some level but keeping it brief, informative, friendly and but firm, BIFF - when you do have to communicate stops them leaching back in and draining your emotional energy. Tips on BIFF; https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses
Co-parenting with a difficult personality.
The best thing to do is call it co-parenting when you are communicating with your ex. Yet in reality you are parallel parenting. Do not let them know you are parallel parenting however. Have them think you are working with them, as a co-parent. This helps minimise conflict for the sake of your children’s mental health and wellbeing.
With parallel parenting YOU need to let go of control when your kids are with their other parent. So long as they are safe and well cared for you have to take a step back and trust they are OK.
If, however they are on the receiving end of any narcissistic traits that are affecting their mental health, you do have to subtly teach your children what is and is not acceptable behaviour for them to have around that other parent. This will help them to avoid pushing their buttons and also teaching your kids what is not acceptable to tolerate from their difficult parent. If a situation arises they can put some boundaries in place themselves, to cope. Give them validation and help them feel safe when they are with you so they are comfortable to talk openly with you.
Seeing changes in their behaviour when they transition between two homes is a sign they perhaps are not coping. Learn all you can from links such as this; https://www.joleenalouislaw.com/blog/narcissistic-parent to quietly guide them. If they are really struggling or you are, reach out to a trained psychologist who specialises in behavioural personality disorders and get help. Do not wait till it is too late, it is your job to protect your children. You want to teach your children what is and is not acceptable behaviour so they have a good start in life. Remember it is a learned behaviour.
If you are struggling with how to begin the process of leaving or have left and communication is difficult I am here to help. I am trained in conflict management, communication skills and all things related to the process of divorce, co-parenting and moving forward with your life. Reach out for a session via zoom or phone and lets get you on the road to success. Even if you fail at marriage you can succeed at divorce with the support of a divorce coach and good family lawyer.
Reach out and book a call today.
