Dating in the 21st Century
Dating in the 21st century poses a plethora of challenges that are frequently confronting and crushing to one’s confidence. In the past, couples were often introduced by family and friends. Social situations and family gathering would provide a safe way of meeting people and forming relationships. In contemporary society while such occasions still exist, they are less likely to provide opportunities for separated and divorced people to meet potential partners.
As we get older and have come out of long-term relationships it can be daunting, navigating new ways of meeting people. While, online dating is popular many newly single people struggle to make informed choices around which dating site to try. Similarly, many find the prospect of trying other avenues such as singles meetups, speed dating, match making and the like intimidating.
As a Divorce & Relationship Coach, clients often ask the question, “Where do you start?” They want to meet someone special or explore dating again, yet are often overwhelmed with anxiety and self-doubt as they start “putting themselves out there” and learn how to navigate the options of online and Apps. Likewise, the nuts and bolts of making an on-line profile and deciding what to say about themselves and what not to say often present challenges.
Hence, a few years ago now, I began dating coaching too. Post-divorce, I personally explored and researched many of the dating options. I’ve become an expert in writing client’s online profiles. I have advised on profile photographs and in some cases taken photos of clients to upload. I have frequently provided an all-round grooming package in my beauty clinic where I offer skincare, makeup and the like. I love the fact I can offer an all-round package to help my clients get back on the dating scene with confidence and not only feel more ready to date, but also well-resourced to avoid the pitfalls of dating.
Pitfalls such as: how do you spot a person who’s not looking for commitment? Or might still be actually married, or has a few dates on the go at the same time, or has some kind of addiction that hasn’t come to light as yet! And… What is “ghosting?” or “zombieing” or “benching”? or Breadcrumbing? There are also acronyms to learn. For example: LTR. LDR. TBH. BRB. MBA. RL. DTE. FWB. DTF. F2F. GSOH. SOH. IRL. ISO. NBM. NSA. PDA. SO. DTE. 420. OR. FOMO. IRLY. If you are not familiar with these terms and acronyms, Google them, it’s enlightening!
All these new terminologies need to be learnt and understood, even if they are happening to you or not! It’s a mine field. A divorce coach can help you navigate this new terrain so you are well-resourced with not only the dating terminology but also so you are likely to have more positive dating experiences and outcomes, by putting boundaries in place for yourself with potential new partners.
Writing your online dating profile is one thing, chatting to them before meeting is another. At some point, you have to work out who piques your interest enough to meet F2F, in person. I recommend starting with a quick coffee for the first meet up, then if they are a definite NO you don’t have to spend hours wondering how to get out of there. If they continue to pique your interest after a coffee, you can suggest a lunch or dinner or wine date or a walk around the park, something simple, and slowly go from there. Always be conscious of how much alcohol you consume in the first few dates as you might make unwise choices. Keep your wits about you and look out for concerning behaviours. Ask enough questions in conversation to see if you are both on the same page with what you are looking for. Include some values-based questions to ascertain if you have similar worldly views. Not just about the world of dating, but wider views and opinions on varying matters. Have you got common interests and values? This is an important element for the longevity of a satisfying, healthy relationship! Download my dating workbook for more tips and ideas here: https://www.degreesofseparation.co.nz/downloads/p/consciousdatingworkbook-areyoureadytodate
Once you have had a few dates and you are considering how to become exclusive, i.e., off dating app’s and only seeing each other, you need to start that conversation. Speak your mind from the heart and be kind but honest with how you are feeling either way. If they are not on the same page as you then accept the situation and move forward. It is important to have this conversation early, as it will just hurt you or them if neither of you want the same things. As the old saying goes you might need to kiss a few frogs to find your prince/ess.
Are they the one?
Once you are exclusively dating how do you spot the green flags to know they are the one you want a long term committed relationship with.
Gottman says there are Masters of Relationships and Disasters. The Masters generally live happy long term committed relationships. Disasters either eventually break up or stay together in very unhappy relationships.
Masters are gentle with each other, kind, considerate and affectionate. They are good friends and have perspective. They use humour with one another, and they become better and better friends as time goes by as they prioritise these things, as well as spending quality time together. If you can bring all this into your daily relationship, then intimacy and sex come easily. Love does amazing things to people, creating not only feel-good endorphins but love helps you live a longer healthier life, with both good physical and mental health. If you have children together later on, or become a step parent, you are offering them the same good health benefits coming from a healthy happy loving home.
Another big green flag is good communication. Good communication on all levels means that even with the normal ups and downs all good relationships go through, you are able to repair the hurt feelings with kind respectful communication. Gottman says even the Masters of relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive vs negative interactions. If the ratio is too high the other way then perhaps, you’re not aligned so well for a long-term relationship. This is something you should definitely be looking out for in the dating phase of a relationship as it’s a big red flag if you’re not well aligned in this area early on.
If you can recognise a lot of these green flags then you are ready to get more serious, date exclusively or commit to a long term committed partnership. If so, then turn towards each other for support, share your thoughts, feelings, desires, and dreams for the future. Ask each other where you see yourselves in 3-5 years’ time. This is the stage where if you have children from past relationships then you can consider introducing the children into the mix, I never recommend involving the children too soon into the dating phase as if it doesn’t work out then you may regret your choices. The children have been through enough with past breakups so put yourself in their shoes and pick the most appropriate time to bring them into the mix. Read my other blogs for tips; how do you introduce your children to your new partner
Most importantly I advise clients considering dating, to “do the work” on themselves 1st, spend time working through who you really are on your own, the person you have become post separation, we are never the same person we were 10-20 yrs ago, we grow and evolve and realise we want quite different things to back then and also what we were looking for in a partner in our 20’s or 30’s is quite different to what we want from our partners in our 40’s, 50’s+. A couple that grows together as a team, with healthy communication, goal setting as a couple and as individuals, spiritually, mentally, values wise, those who have a balanced social life together and separately with friends and family, constantly working on their own self improvements, so you can show up for each other at your best. These are just some of the things that a healthy relationship requires to have longevity. You can only do all this in your next relationship if you have done the work needed to understand the complexities of all these things and where you sit with each of them. Dealing with your past is a huge part of this too, if you have come out of an unhealthy or toxic relationship you may very well benefit from therapy to heal and rebuild your self-worth and self-esteem. Working on your mental health and well being, so you can fully engage in a new healthy relationship and give it your best so you have long term love and happiness.
Take your time before jumping into dating or a serious relationship, as you don’t want to find yourself in yet another bad relationship that you have to once again extract yourself from, there is no rush to find love, love will find you when the time is right.
The magic is the commitment, with calm and trust on both sides. Go and find YOUR magic.
For one-on-one dating coaching reach out to me here Contact