Should you stay or go?
Contemplating ending your relationship is a life changing decision and not one to make lightly if you have young children. Trust me I have been there. Often the beginning of a new year is a time when we question the state of our lives and our relationships both intimate and professional. A new year can also signal the re-evaluation of goals and future dreams and whether they are aligned with our personal visions. If you are not completely satisfied with various aspects of your life it will impact all areas of your life and inevitably will result in you reflecting and contemplating where to next?
Is the grass greener on the other side? Well, that depends on so many factors, but at the end of the day walking away from a long term committed relationship is never easy. Infidelity present or not, there is always one or both parties grieving the loss of what was, what they hoped and dreamed for their future together.
The fact that you may also need to raise children apart is tricky for any age and stage. However, regardless of the difficulties and challenges of parenting apart, it’s important to consider the impact on yourself, your partner and your children if you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage. Before you decide to walk away it’s useful to take into account what you have done to try and improve the relationship before you decide to leave it. I always say to clients you need to feel like you tried everything before leaving so you have no regrets later - so you can hand on heart say to yourself or your kids you both tried and it’s for the best.
I coach many clients in these early phases of wondering whether to stay and make it work or to leave and what that may look like. Many clients are in this phase of decision making for 12-24 months at the very least, purely due to the fact that often only one party is feeling this way and they don’t know how to break it to their partners. But during that period of time and the longer it goes on for, causes even more disconnect in the relationship, romantically, practically and emotionally. These periods of indecision and uncertainty can impact the health and welling being of the whole family unit.
I have been in your shoes. I speak from personal experience here. I know everyone’s situation and story is a little different but we all walk the same path eventually. Stay and making it work means both parties have to commit to therapy, effective communication of their wants and needs within the relationship if its going to turn things around and work long term. One person seeking support is not going to make huge shifts but its better than the relationship getting zero support at all. Coaching offers that one on one support to help you unpack your truth in a safe environment before speaking it to your partner. If you are deeply unhappy and wish to explore with your partner their thoughts and feelings about the state of the relationship in a way that helps you come together and work on issues or if you need to find your voice and speak your truth to end the relationship, my coaching will help you untangle your thoughts, feelings, needs, future visions and goals to make that decision. Once a decision is made, I then help you craft a conversation to instigate with your partner and see where it lands. My intention with coaching is to help you be your best self in the process and for the most amicable conversations possible, to be seen and heard and understood no matter what the end outcome.
Many struggle to find a way to kick off these types of conversations and that’s where my expertise comes in. Over the years, I have managed to help clients turn thing around and make positive changes. But for those where it’s no longer viable I can work with you with the intention and hope that you can be friends or friendly coming out of a long term relationship, especially if you have children together, of any age. Children want and need to see their parents being civil and coming together in an amicable fashion for future family events, which there will be many - graduations, engagements, weddings, grandchildren. So please think about that future and how you wish to conduct yourself for a more collaborative approach to such events.
If you are in the early stages of “should I stay or go” please download my workbook and start with some self-reflection there. Bring your findings to your partner for some constructive conversations, or your coach to help you work out the best approach for next steps for you. https://www.degreesofseparation.co.nz/downloads/p/shouldistayorshouldigo
You don’t have to do this alone. Don’t let it take over all aspect of your thinking and life. Don’t let it impact your health (mental and physical). Speak to someone to help you move forward in a more positive and productive way. As I say in the workbook, no one person can be everything you need. Expanding friendships, hobbies, and interests takes a lot of pressure off you both. You need me time, family time and couple time. One person cannot be responsible for all your happiness, only you can take charge of that. Coaching helps you take control of your own mind, emotions and decision making. We all need support in the various areas of our lives whether it be a personal trainer, a business coach or a divorce and relationship coach! From my perspective a divorce and relationship coach is integral to your future happiness and that of your partner and children.
Reach out for a complimentary discovery call to explore my coaching style and see if we are a good fit.
https://www.degreesofseparation.co.nz/contact
Kimberlee Sweeney
CDC certified Divorce Coach, CHCC Career Coach, Relationship and Communication Coach
