Effective Communication with Your Ex-partner Whilst Separating
One of the key lessons I have learnt from my own divorce and from my speciality training in helping others find ways to effectively communicate is…. Well, the main thing is… LET IT GO! Let go of the hurt, anger and pain. Find other ways to deal with your emotions. Do not bring your emotional hurts to the communication table when you are negotiating ANYTHING with your ex.
As you move forward most of your conversations with your former partner are going to focus on negotiations! You’re no longer going to exchange pleasantries and day to day to chit chat. I have put together a few tips to help you improve your communication style with your ex.
Once you develop an effective communication style you can both get on with what is important, your children and your future. Don’t keep living in the past or dredging up past difficulties and challenges! Let it go. If you are having trouble letting things go then consider some coaching with your divorce coach or seeing a psychologists/counsellor/trauma coach.
1. Your child/ren.
First and foremost, it’s about what’s important for the children and number one of what’s important is that they DO NOT see any animosity or arguments between their parents. Do not speak badly of the other parent to or in front of your children, and do not put them in the middle. This is what they will remember the MOST about your divorce and you do not want to be the one responsible for traumatising them for quite possibly the rest of their lives. You want your children to look back and think mum/dad did their best and behaved respectfully and with dignity during the separation, not the complete opposite of that. The biggest reason parents end up in court is because they are not heeding this kind of advice and they think they can make each other pay for any wrong doings, this is not the best way to establish a co-parenting relationship and you’re going to have to try to co-parenting for the remainder of your lives. Number two is that your children’s needs and well-being come first, over and above either of yours. Co-parenting isn’t about what’s easiest for you! Nothing about co-parenting or single parenting is easy. It’s all a juggle and you both have to work together for the care of the children, and be a little flexible so that it works for you all. We all have careers and money to earn, so we all have to make compromises. As the children grow it will get easier, but only if you are both on the same page when it comes to co-parenting. All your decision must be focused on what is best for the children.
2. Defensiveness.
To prevent a defensive reaction from your ex, consider how you deliver the message. Avoid finger pointing and blame. Use ‘I’ statements and avoid ‘you’ statements. For example, ‘I feel that…’ In general, they will be more cooperative if they don’t feel like they are being criticized or attacked. You could even add things like….’I think you’re a great mum/dad and I just want what’s best for the children here…’. You may have a small lump in your throat as you say this, but in time it will get easier and deep down you know you do mean it. And the more you can bring yourself to compliment your former partner or acknowledge something positive they have achieved, the better the overall communication will go. Be genuine with your compliments and don’t go over board or they will feel you are just appeasing them to get what you want. Also; a little… ‘I am sorry’… can go a long way to repairing past hurts. Try it you might be surprised.
3. Active listening.
Active listening involves careful observation of the speaker’s messages, both verbal and non-verbal. Having heard what is said, you many then paraphrase their words so they feel heard and understood. Active listening works in any relationship, and is a great practice to bring into day-to-day life. ‘So, I am hearing you say… (repeat back to them, their words) … and I agree with a lot of this and if I may add to that…’ - (try and avoid using BUT as this is can be like a red flag to a bull and belittles the affirmation of words you have just paraphrased back to them). They may then be calm enough to hear what you have to say. Rather than launching into what you don’t and can’t agree with turn it around and focus on the things you can agree with or can negotiate. If there isn’t anything you agree with then you could try…’I heard you say…. May I just say that this is not my view and I feel …. is there some way we can come to a compromise on this? ’While each of you are speaking the other must remain silent, non-judgemental and objective enough to see the other’s point of view. Learn to direct the conversation in an amicable way and focus on effective communication
4. Pick your battles
Ask yourself, will this matter in 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or even 1 year from now. If not Let It Go! If it’s something you still feel strongly about after asking yourself the above then work out a way to approach it with kindness, empathy and compassion. If you can use these three traits in ALL communications, your life will be easier. Even if your ex. cannot bring her/himself to be kind, empathetic or compassionate you must still stand true to who you are and who you want to be as you negotiate the divorce/communications. Be the best version of yourself and show your children this too. No matter what was thrown at you. Over time I do see co-parenting relationships turn around when you have one person using these communication skills. Eventually the other person has to let some of their own stuff go too, or they see they are not able to push your buttons anymore and eventually become more reasonable. I have even seen this in action with some of the most difficult of people. Either that or they get on with their new lives and finally leave you alone a little more. So, take some deep breathes and only fight when it’s worth the fight. Save your energy for better things. As long as your children are safe with them, warm, fed and getting reasonable amounts of sleep that is the best you can ask for. What happens at the other parents’ house is somewhat out of your control now and all you can do is put good practices in place at your house, adhere to the co-parenting agreement and be respectful of each other’s time with the kids. In time the children will build their own resilience and independences at each parent’s home, and trust me when I say things will get smoothed out in the process, over time, more often than not.
5. You are both going to be your children’s parents forever
Yes, I know it seems like the obvious, but truly not a week goes by that I have to remind a client of this. If the kids are young, you are going to have to work out a way to amicably co-parent! So, kicking off with hard-nosed litigious lawyers isn’t going to bode well for your future co-parenting relationship. Going to court straight off, isn’t always going to do you any favours in that department either, nor will it help your wallet. Court is a last resort not the 1st. Just take a step back to breathe, and spend some time with your divorce coach and communicating with each other as best you can, there is no rush here to run off to lawyers instantly, unless your children are in danger or at risk, there should be no need to involve them in a court battle in the early phases. Divorce is hard enough and if you want a good relationship with your children, then they are the priority. If you want to co-parent them 50/50, 30/70. 20/80, or whatever it is, you need to try and have a reasonable co-parenting relationship with their other parent. You will have school awards, assemblies to attend together, sports, dance and later on in life, graduations, engagements, their weddings. You will both be grandparents one day. Consider these future scenarios where you do have to try and be in the same room as each other. For the sake of your parenting relationship just make it work! Remember LET IT GO! Leave your ego at the door and think of the children and your relationship with them and your future grandkids too.
6. Last but not least communications around MONEY!
Don’t let money ruin your parenting relationship. The only ones who suffer from the money woes are your children. Do the right thing, be fair in your negotiations and make sure your children have all their needs provided for, from both parents. Yes, it’s like starting over again financially. Yes, you have just lost half of everything (or a little more perhaps) but so has the other person. You will both pick up the pieces and re-establish a new way of supporting yourselves financially and 80% of you will re-partner and rebuild a new life with someone who makes you happy again. So, keep that all in mind when you are communicating and negotiating over money and do the right thing by your children. If, you can put all these tips into practicing effective communication not only are you an amazing human-being but you will be an amazing parent, co-parent and future partner to someone who sees you for all that you are. Be the best you can be when communicating and separating from your ex. and you will reap the rewards. If, you are struggling with communication issues with your ex. Or not sure how to begin the separation process, consider beginning with some one-to-one, communication coaching with your divorce coach. It’s never too late to turn things around. Do it right for the get go! Trust me, I’ve been where you are!