Being single again!
You are coming out of the haze that is separation and divorce, it’s true… it takes two years to truly find yourself again after coming out of any long term relationship.
So sorry in advance to those reading this, that are nowhere near the two year mark yet! Take it from me, time does heal and time is on your side. I don’t care how old you are, age is but a number and you cannot rush true happiness. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and there is no need to hurry this process. For your sake and for the sake of others who cross your path, just take a breath and spend time figuring out who you are and what you want in life!
Firstly, you must give yourself the time to grieve, be a little angry, feel lonely, and maybe some days you will even wonder if you did make the right decision, or wallow in the why did this have to happen to me. BUT please know this is all very normal and there would be something majorly wrong with you if you didn’t have all these emotions and thought patterns coming out of a relationship.
So here you are single again…
I know it can be a lonely place but being single is not really a bad thing. Think of it like being on a sabbatical from a committed relationship. It’s a time to reflect on past relationships and think about what you really want from your next serious relationship. If you don’t know any of this yet then you definitely are NOT ready to start dating again. It’s time to work on YOU…..
Spend some time alone and really get to know who you are again, the old you, the you that your old friends remember, (and believe me when I say, your friends will be sure to happily tell you when old you turns up again). Women are generally great at this stuff, working on themselves, figuring out their authentic selves, knowing they are not ready to be in a new relationship until old wounds are healed. Men, well, some are good at this but generally, most men and some women too, put their heads in the sand and think that a new relationship will heal old wounds. It won’t. It just creates new ones or opens up old ones. If not for you then work on this for your new partner to be, who has bigger expectations of you, who is assuming you are ready to date again, when in fact you clearly may not be. Aim to please and not disappoint, yourself and those you are dating, (in the emotionally sense).
How do you know when you are ready to date again? And then when you are ready and out there dating, how do you know those you are dating are actually ready to date again?
It’s all about learning how to recognised your ‘red flags’, and you will only know what they are when you have done some work on yourself, before re-entering the dating world. You cannot fix others but you can most certainly fix your own, and learn to quickly walk away from other peoples’ ‘red flags’ before you get in deep. If you get my drift.
You must first grow as a person; learn from your own mistakes so you can be a better partner for the next serious relationship you enter. To enable a fulfilling relationship to evolve, you must start by being honest and true to yourself and your own needs. Heal old wounds and learn new relationship skills. Identify and change unproductive habits and patterns, attitudes and beliefs. None of us are perfect, but if we can all recognise our own weaknesses then we can work towards turning them into strengths, and only then will we figure out along the way what our core values are and what type of values we want in a future partner. Write a list. This is a great way to realise your core values and getting to know who you really are and what you want.
What are your core values? i.e. honesty, open communication, financial security, spirituality…
What are your unrealised dreams and expectations in life?
What is your vision for your future? We all have our own visions deep down, don’t be
embarrassed to write it down and embrace your dreams, be honest with yourself so you can be
honest about what you are really looking for out of life and from a future life partner.
What are your core requirements in a relationship?
What are your red flags?
What are you not willing to compromise on?
Go back over your list and update it as you meet new people, as you grow your values can grow and change. So take your time out there in the dating world. Take it slow and not only get to know a potential new partner, thoroughly before you jump into another long term relationship but start off getting to know yourself again and who you really are and what you really want. If you can’t figure this out for yourself no one else is going to be able to figure YOU out. If you want open and honest then start with being open and honest with YOU first.
If you would like to work on this with your coach book a one on one strategy session with me and we can put new strategies in place to help you become the best version of your single self. Go into new relationships knowing exactly who you are and what you want and don’t want. It will save you a lot of time and angst in the long run, believe me! I’m speaking from experience!
Kimberlee Sweeney.